Piggies Episode

Remember the Mongolian BBQ?
Written by Jeffrey Champ

Happy Birthday, Rochelle! This little episode is just my little way of waving hello to you over the World Wide Web.

Hook. Scene: A Mongolian BBQ Restaurant. RONALD, PATRICIA, HUNTER, MELISSA, and JEFFREY are taking their seats at a table.

Ronald: This is the Mongolian Barbecue place. I don't know if any of you have been here before...well, Jeffrey has.

Jeffrey: Yes, I have.

Ronald: This is an all-you-can-eat buffet, so eat up, everybody! It's all on me, my grad present to you!

Melissa: You sure, Ronald?

Ronald: Of course. It's been a long four-year ride, everybody, and I'm happy to see it with you all to the end.

THE GANG expresses their gratitude to RONALD.

Hunter: It might be the long day we spent out in the sun looking for rocks for the Class Night stage, but I'm feeling really, really close to you, Peashop. I love you, man!

Ronald: Gee, thanks?

HUNTER blacks out due to sunstroke.

Melissa: Hunter?

Jeffrey: Don't worry; Hand's gonna be alright. Well, give him five minutes.

Patricia: So, Ronald, how does this buffet work?

Ronald: Um, you just basically go to where all the food is, get your raw meat...

Jeffrey: And eat it. This is, after all, a raw meat restaurant.

Patricia: Really?

Jeffrey: Yeah, traditionally, the Mongols were a nomadic people. So they would have no time to cook their meat. And thus, there would be many a-cow throughout the countryside with a piece of ass missing.

Patricia: Ewww!

HUNTER regains consciousness.

Hunter: Gosh! I heard the word "ass."

Melissa: Wait. Are you telling the truth, or are you just being a Basshole?

Jeffrey: Facts are facts. Just ask our benevolent host.

Ronald: Yes, in theory, you CAN eat the frozen meat raw.

Hunter: Gosh. Sunstroke.

HUNTER blacks out again.

Ronald: But it's better if the meat is cooked. You'll especially love the flavor if you put a whole lot of different kinds of sauce onto the meat. Oh, yeah, give it to the cook to, well, cook.

Patricia: Sounds much better.

Melissa: Very enlightening. So Jeffrey WAS being a Basshole all along.

HUNTER regains consciousness.

Hunter: Gosh! Did Ronald just say "love sauce"?

Scene: The same Mongolian BBQ restaurant. THE PIGGIES are well into their meal.

Hunter: This is good stuff, Ronald. It really helped with the sunstroke.

Melissa: So do you still have irrepressible feelings for Ronald?

Hunter: It might be the food talking, but yes.

Jeffrey: Yeah...we're gonna have to start changing the subject now.

Ronald: Thanks, man. Um...hey, why isn't Rochelle here?

Patricia: I have no idea.

Melissa: Well, she left while we were making Senior Bio copies.

Hunter: How is the Bio coming along?

Jeffrey: It's been really long.

Melissa: Yeah, a whole lot of copies.

Jeffrey: And a whole lot of Tia Minnie y los Amigos del Rollcage-o.

Melissa: We actually hid a couple of Xerox copies of the Tia Minnie page around the copy room, behind such places as the bookshelf. Basically, the copy room is full of Tia Minnie.

Jeffrey: ...y los Amigos del Rollcage-o.

Patricia: Didn't you take three years of Spanish, Ronald?

Ronald: No...YES!!! Yes...

RONALD starts to weep, half-jokingly. Also half-real.

Hunter: Gosh! Three years...

Melissa: With Tia Minnie. You are one LUCKY boy, Ronald.

Jeffrey: Or as Tia Minnie called you, [Spanish, er, Panamanian accent] "Roland." Hey, remember Freshman year, when you had to go to the middle room during Spanish class...and she forgot that she sent you there. So you were like alone for the entire period!

The other PIGGIES laugh at RONALD's misfortune.

Ronald: I don't know what you're talking about, Jeffrey. Okay, I do!

RONALD starts to weep, half-jokingly. Also half-real.

Ronald: Yeah, Freshman year was, at the very least, awkward.

Jeffrey: I will so drink to that! I had no friends, well you kept kicking my ass in chess...

Ronald: Killing your, as you put it, chess horses.

Jeffrey: Yeah, basically, Freshman year sucked! So I will raise my glass of Pepsi and drink to that. FRESHMAN YEAR SUCKED!!!

JEFFREY does what he said he would do.

Hunter: Hey, I was a jock Freshman year! I was The Man, if you know what I'm saying.

Jeffrey: At good old Self-Grat?

Hunter: Okay, yeah, second semester Freshman year, my first semester at Self-Gratification Academy, sucked my ass. But at my old Prep school, I was the greatest football star they'd ever seen!

Melissa: Didn't you tell me once how your coach was really tough on you while you were on the football team in your previous school?

Hunter: Okay, okay, I'll admit it: Freshman year S.M.A.!!!

Jeffrey: I'll drink to that! Well, maybe not the ass-sucking part. Okay, ESPECIALLY the ass-sucking part.

Melissa: Yeah, Freshman year at SG Academy was pretty bad. I mean, I wasn't there the whole year either.

Patricia: Didn't you just miss the first month?

Melissa: Still, it sucked!

Jeffrey: I'll drink to that! Man, if this was alcohol, I would be so hammered!

Hunter: I could only imagine, dude.

Patricia: I don't know; Freshman year was all right...

Ronald: What?

Melissa: Yeah, Patricia, you're going to have to bow to peer pressure on this one.

Patricia: [Unenthusiastically] Okay, okay, it sucked.

Ronald: It's settled: Five out of six Piggies think Freshman year sucked. Well, four out of six thought Freshman year at SG Academy sucked, and one out of six thought it sucked his ass.

Hunter: Damn straight it S.M.A.!!!

Ronald: And the absent Rochelle wasn't even here Freshman year.

Hunter: Wasn't she in Alabama that year?

Patricia: No, she was in T...

Hunter: Tennessee?

Patricia: No.

Hunter: Oklahoma?

Patricia: No.

Hunter: Montana?

Patricia: No.

Hunter: Oh, yeah, you started to say something with a "T." Tajikistan?

Melissa: Exactly, Hunter. Rochelle has been fluent in the Tajik language for the past four years.

Patricia: No, no! In the United States, Hunter!

Hunter: Tex...as?

Patricia: Bingo.

Jeffrey: [Mockingly] Gosh! Hunter just said "ass."

Ronald: Remember playing Bing-ho during Spanish class?

Melissa: Ron, we already talked about Spanish class.

Ronald: Point taken. But, yeah, Rochelle came here the first day of Sophomore year.

Jeffrey: Yeah, Sophomore year kicked ass.

Ronald: Not to mention our class load kicked all our asses.

Patricia: Yeah, taking a full day of classes was a pain.

Melissa: Sophomore year was much better though; we all basically became friends in that Advanced Biology class.

Hunter: Gosh! Bio...

Jeffrey: Sophomore year: I'll drink to that!

Scene: Flashback to First Day of Sophomore Year. HUNTER meets JEFFREY outside of the main school building.

Hunter: Hey, Jeffrey!

Jeffrey: Hunter! What is up, my man? I didn't think you'd be here this year.

Hunter: Yeah. Well, did you take a look at our class load?

Jeffrey: Yeah, I know. This year's gonna suck. I know it.

Hunter: So you think this year will be as bad as last year?

Jeffrey: Worse.

Scene: The Sophomore lockers. PATRICIA meets MELISSA looking for their respective lockers. ROCHELLE is in the background, getting her things into her locker.

Melissa: Patricia! Hi!

Patricia: Hey, Melissa! How was your summer?

Melissa: All right, I guess--yours?

Patricia: Pretty short; it was two months long.

Melissa: I know, isn't it still July? How is this the first day of school?

Rochelle: Excuse me. Can you tell me where Mr. Sarco's classroom is?

Melissa: First door, right ahead.

Rochelle: Thank you.

ROCHELLE exits.

Patricia: Wow, new girl.

Melissa: Yeah. What are the chances we'll see her again?

Patricia: Pretty good, as this is a relatively small school.

Melissa: Yeah, you're right.

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Jeffrey: So you're saying you were checking out the new girl?

Melissa: Oh will you please shut up!

Hunter: Gosh!

Ronald: My sentiments exactly, Hunter.

RONALD, HUNTER, and JEFFREY all nod in agreement, as PATRICIA and MELISSA shake their heads at the low maturity level of their male friends.

Cut to the Past. Scene: Advanced Biology Class. Actually, HONORS Biology Class. JEFFREY enters the classroom, but his backpack gives up on him and all his stuff falls to the floor. RONALD starts to help him out.

Ronald: Dude, let me help you out.

Jeffrey: Thanks, man. Hey, what's up, Ronald?

Ronald: Nothing much. Still got those sideburns, man?

Jeffrey: Yup.

Ronald: Hey, you've been practicing your chess horses lately?

Jeffrey: Darn straight, man! [He really hadn't.] Dude, this year's gonna suck, man--so I think playing chess at lunch will help us keep our sanity. Besides, maybe I might be able to beat you one time.

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Ronald: Dude, we haven't played ONCE since Freshman year.

Jeffrey: Yeah, I think I even forgot how to play.

Melissa: Chess? How homoerotic...

Hunter: Gosh!

Cut to the Past--Biology Classroom with PATRICIA, MELISSA, and ROCHELLE.

Melissa: Hey, new--girl.

Rochelle: Hey, it's you two. By the way, I'm Rochelle.

Melissa: I'm Melissa. That's Patricia.

Patricia: Hi, Rochelle.

Rochelle: Is this seat taken?

Melissa: Please...take a seat.

Rochelle: Cool.

Patricia: So how do you like SG Academy?

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Jeffrey: A-ha! Hitting on the new girl!

Ronald: Very G.

Jeffrey: Very G, times three.

Patricia: We were just being nice!

Melissa: Yeah, I know--and what's G?

Jeffrey: G? Something we invented Sophomore year.

Melissa: So wouldn't it be appropriate to explain G in our flashback of Sophomore year?

Ronald: It would, but we won't.

Cut to the Past. Time elapse. DR. LEONE, the biology teacher from Kentucky, tries to speak over the noise of the students.

Dr. Leone: Alright, everybody, settle down. Simmer down. Come on, now, let me speak. You're not quiet, people! Get on the ball, everybody! Come on, people--DON'T F*CK-Y WITH KENTUCKY!!!

The students shut up.

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Hunter: Don't f*ck-y with Kentucky?

Jeffrey: I just thought it would be a good catchphrase that people from Kentucky would say.

Melissa: In the same vein as, "Don't mess with Texas."

Jeffrey: Exactly.

Cut to the Past--Biology Classroom with DR. LEONE.

Dr. Leone: Thank you. For those who don't know me, my name is Dr. Leone, and you are in Advanced Biology. Or is it Honors Biology? Anyhoo, this class will have way too much work for anybody, and you will have to sacrifice your lunch period every day to do your labs, learning foy-mulas and whatnot. Lookin' at some of my personal specimens and bodily fluids. Warshin' your eyes when those samples explode in your face. Now, it's time to choose lab partners.

RONALD, HUNTER, JEFFREY, DANNY, GLEN, and CURT.

Curt: Hi, Ronald, I'm Curt.

Ronald: I know, Curt, we were both here last year.

Curt: I am probably going to be exhaustingly slow at this biology lab. So do you want to be lab partners?

Ronald: Um, Jeffrey? Danny?

Jeffrey: Yeah, Glen over here is my lab buddy. He's really, really fast. So fast, that I probably won't do any work. Man, do I love cutting corners! [Apparently he doesn't like cutting corners anymore...why the f*ck not?]

Danny: And I'm with Hunter. But we all know I'm going to actually get my lab data from speedy Glen!

Glen: That's me!

Hunter: What about me, Danny?

Danny: Yeah, you're still my lab partner, Hand! But, I probably won't give you any of the necessary data...so you're pretty much screwed!

Hunter: Thanks a lot, man...

Curt: So, Ronald--partners?

Ronald: Why not...

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Melissa: So you're saying that all of that happened on the first day of Sophomore year?

Ronald: Well, no. We're a little short on time. So, there's going to be a lot of condensing.

Cut to the Past--Biology Classroom. Everyone is busy with, well, busy work, but HUNTER and JEFFREY are just hanging out.

Hunter: So Glen's doing the work?

Jeffrey: Yup. Danny's copying the data?

Hunter: Yeah, but I'm probably not going to see it at all.

Jeffrey: I wouldn't worry about it, man. Hey--who's the new girl over there?

Hunter: Um, I think her name is Rochelle.

Jeffrey: Hey, do you want to see The Vibe in action?

Hunter: The Vibe?

Jeffrey: Yes, The Vibe. It's something I've developed over the summer to get, you know, the ladies...

Hunter: And you're gonna do this Vibe--

Jeffrey: It's THE Vibe.

Hunter: Whatever--on the new girl?

Jeffrey: I have hypothesized that The Vibe will only work on the ladies who have never seen me before.

Hunter: The reason being--

Jeffrey: Girls who haven't seen me before don't know how much of a goofball I really am.

Hunter: Good point. Well, what are you waiting for?

Jeffrey: I'm gonna, man.

Hunter: Then go!

Jeffrey: I will!

Hunter: Do it!

Jeffrey: Okay!

JEFFREY walks up to ROCHELLE.

Jeffrey: Hi. I'm Jeffrey.

Rochelle: Hi, Jeffrey. I'm Rochelle.

JEFFREY makes an ass of himself and does "The Vibe," just like in a few previous episodes.

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Patricia: Did that really happen?

Jeffrey: Okay, that was a lie.

Melissa: Makes a good story nonetheless.

Patricia: How so?

Melissa: Jeffrey makes an ass of himself in it.

Jeffrey: Hey! Yeah, that's true.

Cut to the Past--Biology Classroom with ROCHELLE. RONALD enters as JEFFREY exits.

Rochelle: What was that?

Ronald: Don't mind him, Rochelle. He's a character. By the way, I'm...

Rochelle: Yeah, I remember--Ronald.

Ronald: Cool. So what are you up to?

Rochelle: Just taking a break from all the biology.

Ronald: Yeah, this is much too much.

Rochelle: So have you finished your lab?

Ronald: My lab partner is too slow for anything. I think I'm going to start shouting at him, you know, saying like, "FREAK! Hurry up!"

Rochelle: You're going to shout at your lab partner?

Ronald: Yeah, it'll motivate him, I suppose. And it will be a little funny.

Rochelle: That's just too mean, Ronald. I wouldn't do that to you...

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Ronald: Oh, how things change.

The other PIGGIES laugh hard.

Cut to the Past--Biology Classroom. MELISSA and PATRICIA are taking a break from all the biology.

Melissa: How long have we been here?

Patricia: Too long...

Melissa: Hey, want to see my binder full of magazine pages with pictures of really cute famous guys?

Patricia: Would I!

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Melissa: Okay. Since when do we speak like that?

Jeffrey: Alright, you continue the story, if you know where it's going.

Melissa: I know where it's going.

Jeffrey: You know where it's going?

Melissa: I know where it's going.

Jeffrey: You know...

Cut to the Past--Biology Classroom. MELISSA and PATRICIA are looking at the pictures in Melissa's binder.

Patricia: Ah, very nice. Very cute.

Melissa: Yes, exactly.

JEFFREY enters.

Jeffrey: Hey, whatcha all doin'?

Melissa: Looking at pictures of cute guys.

Jeffrey: [Sarcastically] Ah, yes, also one of my favorite past times. I mean, why the heck is that dude over there wearing shiny clothes?

Melissa: That's Johnny Depp.

Jeffrey: The guy from 21 Jump Street. But really, look. The dude shaves his chest.

Melissa: He does not!

Jeffrey: Look at him. You can't have arms as hairy as his and not have, you know, chest hair.

Melissa: Well, I'll give you that, Jeffrey.

HUNTER enters, getting ready to leave.

Jeffrey: Dude. Where you going?

Hunter: Well, I have to leave for Work Experience.

Patricia: Oh, yeah, I have Work Experience as well.

Melissa: Have fun!

Jeffrey: Later.

Patricia: Bye.

Hunter: See ya.

HUNTER and PATRICIA leave the classroom.

Jeffrey: So in conclusion, Johnny Depp is a shiny clothes wearing, chest shaving weird freaky dude. Not cute at all.

Melissa: You are just jealous.

Jeffrey: Look at him, with his finger tattoo. I mean, what is that? And he looks like his name is like Carlos...

Melissa: Carlos?

Jeffrey: Yeah, and he's all saying, "Take it off," in Spanish. What's that phrase Tia Minnie taught us today? Quitando...

Melissa: Quitandose?

Jeffrey: Exactly. [With feeling] Quitandose! To recap: He's a finger tattooin', shiny clothes wearin', chest shavin' dude named Carlos who says "Quitandose" all the time.

Melissa: You have to admit that he's a little bit dreamy.

Jeffrey: I will not!

Melissa: But he is.

Jeffrey: Yeah. Just a bit.

Melissa: Do you want me to draw his finger tattoo on your finger?

Jeffrey: [Hesitant at first] Yes, please.

RONALD enters.

Ronald: Oh, man, I just came from the restroom.

Melissa: Good for you, Ronald!

Ronald: No, I was in the restroom, and I overheard two guys saying, "I'll race you."

Jeffrey: Race what?

Ronald: "Whoever ejaculates first wins."

Cut to the Present--the Mongolian BBQ.

Patricia: Ewwwww!!!

Melissa: Ronald! I was telling the story of Jeffrey and me and our first conversation ever! PLUS, didn't your restroom masturbators story really happen on the LAST day of school?

Ronald: Well, yeah, but I'm just giving the people what they want. Right, Hunter?

Hunter: Gosh! Gosh! Ooh, gosh!

The BUFFET HOSTESS gives the check and a bunch of fortune cookies to the PIGGIES.

Patricia: Ah, fortune cookies!

Melissa: Wasn't the fortune cookie invented in San Francisco? So it's not even authentic Chinese cuisine. Now what is the logic of it being in a MONGOLIAN restaurant?

The other PIGGIES ponder this. Then they stop pondering it.

Hunter: So what does your fortune say? Anyone?

Patricia: Mine says, "Behind an able man are even more able men."

Ronald and Jeffrey, simultaneously: IN PRISON!

RONALD and JEFFREY congratulate each other on their simultaneous comment on the situation.

Cut to the Past--Biology classroom afterschool with JEFFREY and RONALD.

Jeffrey: Long day, boring assembly.

Ronald: Totally, man. You know what?

Jeffrey: What?

Ronald: I am SO screwed!

Jeffrey: Why?

Ronald: I have a butt load of work for Geometry, dang that Mr. Canada, and we all practically live in this Biology classroom.

Jeffrey: Yeah, I agree. Hey, have you ever noticed how close Leone and Canada are?

Ronald: I know what you're saying, man...too close.

Jeffrey: I mean, they're as close as this picture in our Biology textbook of a lion on the zebra.

Ronald: Let me do something...

RONALD writes stuff on JEFFREY's textbook.

Jeffrey: Ah, very good. You wrote "Leone" on the lion and "Canada" on the zebra. Now that is for the archives!

Ronald: Man, I am screwed for this year. I have a feeling that the Student Body Vice President will give me grief in Senate meetings.

Jeffrey: You know what you get when you combine a lion and a zebra?

Ronald: What?

Jeffrey: A tiger!

Ronald: So the V.P. is the tiger? Ha ha ha.

Jeffrey: We're going to have to make up some more code as the year goes on.

Ronald: Exactly, man.

ROCHELLE and MELISSA enter.

Ronald: So you finally showed.

Rochelle: Yes, I have. Man, we've been doing way too much work in this class; I need someone to shout at.

Ronald: Well, you can shout at me. Temporarily, of course.

Rochelle: Yeah, I don't think I'm going to need to vent at somebody for more than a week. Two weeks, tops.

Ronald: Cool.

Melissa: Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: What?

Melissa: [Heavily accented] Quitandose! Carlos!

Jeffrey: [Heavily accented] Quitandose! Carlos!

Rochelle: What? Who's Carlos?

Melissa: It's a long story.

PATRICIA and HUNTER enter.

Hunter: You guys don't know how much busy work we have to do in Work Experience!

Patricia: I don't know; it's not too bad.

Hunter: Patricia...

Patricia: Right, right. Yeah. A whole lot of work.

Hunter: Yeah, and we won't be here on days when we have to...so you guys will have to really help us with the work!

Jeffrey: For some reason, I don't think so, dude!

Hunter: Dude! Come on, man!

Patricia: Yeah, well, it was worth a shot, Hunter. I guess we should all continue with the lab.

Rochelle: Yeah. Then we get to go home.

Patricia: To tackle that one reading for English, "Abalone, Abalone."

Jeffrey: Awww, crap!

Ronald: SO screwed!

End Tag. Scene: Outside the Mongolian BBQ. THE PIGGIES are getting ready to board The Civico Blanco to go home.

Patricia: Thanks for the meal, Ronald.

Jeffrey: Yeah, great dinner! Thanks, man.

Melissa: Thanks, Ronald.

Hunter: Thanks, man.

Ronald: You're welcome everybody. And congratulations. We're done with high school! Not screwed anymore! Well, not screwed until the summer is over, when we're screwed in a college student sort of way.

Jeffrey: I'll drink to that!

THE END.

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